herro! i'm back on the xanga scene and it feels somewhat good to blog again. plenty has happened in the past year and a half since i last blogged.  i went through a hell of a roller coaster of a year and sadly, it's still on the bumpy track. i've been going through a lot of stuff from financial issues back to family issues and drama. then there's also the love life situation.  i'm happy to say that i really feel truly happy for once in that department. unfortunately, i also feel like i had wasted a year of my life on something or shall i say someone.  yes, there were lessons learned and hopefully i will NOT repeat.  i have become wary of who i am dating now and who i am seeing.  i finally have come to terms with what i really look for in a person and to see for the person within, and not for the looks.  i really don't care what my parents say: "wait til you finish school, then all the boys will come to you cause you'll have money."  that's a pretty shallow outlook, if you ask me. i truly believe if you find a person that you can connect with, despite looks and money, everything will fall into place.  and with that said, i dedicate this entry to that special someone that i have now.  it took three years in the making but having that basis of a solid friendship has enabled me to appreciate this certain person even more.  it was one of those, "friends that were there the whole entire time and it took me three years to finally realize it" kind of a deals. but hey. i'm really glad that it took three years cause i seriously feel good about this, about us. i really want this to work. more than any others in the past. because i feel that connection. that real type kind of deal. i've finally become patient enough to just wait and let everything fall into place.  i really feel good about this. :) so with that said. i have a new found love for jersey. yeah yeah. i know i've complained in the past for living here and that i wanted to move out to ny. but seriously. i never realized that home is where the heart is and i found it in him.  who would've thought that i would've found him in jersey. ironic, isn't it.  so we'll see in the near future where i'll end up, hopefully...

also within the past year, i've come to terms that i will not be able to become a doctor. well at least not yet.  i have begun to pursue physical therapy.  it makes sense since i come from an athletic family and i really was indecisive as to what i wanted to do in the medical field.  it sucks because i have parents that don't support my decision.  i have everyone else in this world supporting me and yet my own flesh and blood won't even accept the fact that i absolutely do NOT want to do nursing and do not want to pursue the medical school route right now.  kind of sucks that my parents do not support me at all.  hell, i seriously think they gave up in the three of us. whatever. i'm dealing with it and accepting that fact.  it's not like they've been helping us in the school department.  all it has been is lectures, lectures, lectures. oh and shit-talking as well. but like i said, i've been coping and accepting.  hopefully my parents will open their eyes and accept what i've decided to do.  i just hope i can survive my SENIOR year  of college (oh shit. and to think i've had this xanga since freshmen year of high school).  i really have to bust ass in order to get my scholarship reinstated. sigh. fcuk what's become of me. i've reflected upon this before. and seriously what happened to the nicole who got straight A's? sigh. i want to find her again. i need to do some soul-searching or self-meditation or something like that. hahaha.

mmmk. i think i've written enough. maybe i should go write in my journal again since i'm writing in xanga. hahahaha. oh man i can't wait to read the stupidity that i wrote since 2001. LOL. ridunkulous! in ending, i leave this in dedication to my mahal ko. :)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." - 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

so it's not even less than a week that i've been back in jersey and already i'm wishing i was back in queens. it was a pain in the booty to unpack all the stuff i had brought back; some stuff i didn't even bother unpacking and just placed it in the basement because my room isn't big enough anymore. i unpacked the three bags of clothing i brought home and actually put it back it into the suitcase. there is clearly no point in putting those clothes into my drawers since i'm only back in jersey for 3 months. so now my once empty room is now occupied by clothes, drawers, bags, suitcases, school supplies and books. siigh.

lately i haven't been calling the house where my parents and brothers live home. i've actually been referring it to as jersey. just plain and simple: jersey. why? i suppose it is because i have been accustomed to living in queens and calling that home now. i am no longer used to getting around by car but by public transportation as much as it is a pain in the ass. plus i have jay driving me whenever i ask. har har. i miss when i can just get up and go to the city. or just thinking of what to do with the boyfriend in nyc. i'm going to go job searching this week just so i can be occupied while here. i was actually thinking of getting a job in the city, just so i can go away from this house. i can't stand being here anymore, as much as i love my parents and brothers. there's like something about here in which i don't want to be here anymore. it was always my dream to move out and live on my own and i'm wondering when that time will come. my parents are attached to me since i'm the only girl in the family and i'm afraid of what they will say when i tell them i'm planning on moving out by next year. they always got upset when i wasn't coming home those particular weekends and i'm thinking that they're afraid that i won't come back to the place where i grew up at all. i just need space to breathe. i need a place to start over again. i'm definitely starting over this fall. my grades haven't been the greatest and i'm not proud of them at all. it's like, where did the old nicole go? where did the studious and hardworking nicole go? i feel like she went away because she couldn't stand the pressures and stress anymore. i've been wondering for months why i've been acting this way, not studying, always wanting to do something else besides school because school makes me so stressed out. am i wanting a peace of mind? do i need something to relieve my body and mind? would change make it better?

the calendar in the room where i stay still says january 2008. it's already may and i don't feel like changing it at all. there are so many childhood memories in this room along with the teenage and young adult years. i'll be turning 21 in 8 months. i think it's time to start a new chapter in my life.